Is that me in the mirror?

Random things about breast cancer that I find funny

Submitted by Kim Tempest

I made the decision to reconstruct after my mastectomy.  Before the surgeons did anything I went to meet with my plastic surgeon, as they like to combine reconstruct with the mastectomy.  I met my plastic surgeon and he went over all of the options available to me.  The two that we discussed in detail was the Tram Flap and a tissue expander followed by implant.  He showed me pictures of other women’s reconstructions.  It was like a brag book of reconstruction. They were beautiful.  A thought occurred to me that these were examples of everything going right – I wondered where the ‘not so perfect’ examples were.

The Tram Flap is a pretty big deal, as they move muscle from the torso and also fat from the tummy area.  The recovery is 6 to 12 weeks, with no heavy lifting, no exercise, no housework.  Now although the prospect of laying back in the recliner eating bonbons was very appealing, I also had a 5 year old who still liked to be picked up.  So the option I decided on was a tissue expander. The plastic surgeon said he would also reduce and lift my opposite breast so we would not have to expand as much and I would look more symmetrical.

Off to surgery day I went.

When I woke up, I lifted the sheet to look down at my very sore chest.  I don’t know what I was expecting to see – everything was bandaged up. What I did notice was that I was a lot smaller.  The right breast, of course, was flat.

Once I was recovered enough, the plastic surgeon started to ‘fill’ the expander with fluid.  The objective was to expand the chest muscle to accommodate an implant that would be representative of the size of my remaining breast.  What we did not know at the time, was I needed to have radiation, as the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes (bummer).  He expanded as quickly as he could before radiation as he knew radiation would harden the muscle and skin and would make the implant more difficult to do.  We almost got there.

I started radiation.  As the radiation came to an end I noticed that my new mound was now in the position that it started when I was around 13.  Perky is great, but this new breast was quickly becoming a chin rest.  The surgeon knew we were not going to have success with an implant.  Only one problem – I had lost so much weight from chemo I no longer had enough fat anywhere to make a breast.  This is when I really learned who my true friend were because I had offers of excess fat from most of my gal pals and family.  I was ordered to gain 20 pounds.

The next couple of months was great – I ate everything – chocolate, ice cream, burgers, fish and chips – if it wasn’t fattening it did not go into my mouth.

Once I had enough fat, I was scheduled for the surgery.  Out came the tissue expander and my new tummy fat was moved to a higher altitude. Unfortunately, the extra 20 had added to other parts of me too, so I now not only had a new boob, I was also packing around new booty in the rear.  At this point I am thinking I might be a candidate for a rap video.

At the end of radiation, I was put on Tamoxifen.  The weight gain continued.  HELLO  – IT CAN STOP NOW!! One day I caught a glimpse of myself nude in the mirror and stopped in my tracks, “Is that me in the mirror”.  I looked like my Grandmother (most wonderful woman on the planet, who loved her food).  Yikes. This was an instant motivator!  I had already stopped with the fattening foods, so now it was back to exercise. That was five years ago. I still exercise, so at least the bigger me does not jiggle as much.

What I learned is that now I am post-menopausal (thanks to Chemo) and still taking meds to stop estrogen, weight gain is easier. I also learned that my girlish form is gone – but I am not.  I live each moment with as much passion as possible and I have learned to look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.  I threw away all of my ‘skinny’ clothes.  I don’t torture myself with the hope of getting back to my smaller self.  If Hollywood icon, Marilyn Monroe can be sexy in a size 10 – so can I – it is all attitude.  Besides I know that my husband is just grateful that I am still here – no matter what my size. You know what? So am I.

P.s. My pre and post surgery pictures are tucked away in a file and not in the brag book of reconstruction.  Oh well.

~ Kim T.