Reflections of a Birthday Girl

submitted by Saleema

I’m writing this blog on my 39th birthday. I try not to (I’d rather just keep it light and eat cake), but I can’t help but reflect on my life on this day. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a caring, solid, sensitive husband, a wonderful family including a sister who is my best friend and two amazing step-daughters, and I enjoy a successful and fulfilling career as a sexual health educator.  I am healthy, training for the New York Marathon in November, and I live in a nice home. I am careful not to overlook these things, but for me no evaluation of my life is complete without a check in about my experience with breast cancer.

As I was running on the seawall this morning, the first question I asked myself was “How often do you think about cancer?” My answer was “Not as much as I did last year at this time.” A victory. Although I used to be, I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s only in the last year that I have started to feel that this whole cancer thing is behind me (I will be three years cancer free in November). The black cloud over my head has lightened, but some days are harder than others. Like the day in June when a friend of mine was diagnosed. In an instant, all those feelings of hopelessness rushed in. If she can have cancer, who else around me has it? Who’s next? Although I feel strong enough to support my friend through her treatment, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult to sit in the waiting room while she was having radiation the other day. Then there was the day just last week when the florist at Save-On with the pink ribbon tattoo on her ankle disclosed to me that her cancer returned after 18 years and that “chemo almost killed her.” Again, panic. So, even after 18 years, I’m not going to be home free? Am I just a ticking time bomb? Luckily, I have the support system and the anxiety management skills to bring myself back down to a more optimistic reality. Putting my F@#$ Cancer t-shirt on also helps. Interesting, though, how quickly fear can take power over me. The last thing I want is to live my life from a place of fear.

Not wanting to dwell on the negative, the next question for myself was “What have I learned in the past year?” I’ve read about people saying things like “Cancer has taught me so much, it’s a blessing because it makes you a better person, it makes you change your life in positive ways.” Really? I’m definitely not there, and I don’t think I ever will be. Cancer sucks, I’m angry that it took space in my body that I took such good care of, it’s not fair that good people die of it.  But, I will say that I have learned a lot from cancer. I’m still learning from cancer. At one of my appointments soon after treatment finished, my oncologist and I were talking about follow up. I couldn’t believe she didn’t want to see me for another 6 months, I would have had a mammogram every week if she let me just to make sure everything was good. But she reminded me that nothing and no one can guarantee the cancer won’t come back. What I need to do is learn to live with uncertainty. There are some things in life you can’t control, no matter how resourceful, on the ball or proactive you are. I’m still working on that one. I’ve also learned that you can’t rush healing. And until you are well into this process, you can’t be there fully for others.

As I crossed Burrard Bridge and my run was coming to an end, I felt comfort in the realization that, overall, I had come a long way in the past year. On a day-to-day basis, cancer no longer has a hold over me. It rears it’s ugly hear every now and then, but it doesn’t control me. Now all I have to do is come to terms with being 39…I’ll save that task for my next run!

~ Saleema